Herz entflammt

Ich hab’ die falschen Bücher gelesen. Scheiße, da sind einerseits die Bücher, die dir abstrakte Geschichten von fernen Welten erzählen, die dich erquicken und beglücken mögen, in die du dich träumen kannst, aber die scharf getrennt von deiner Wirklichkeit sind. Andererseits gibt es noch jene, die von den Abenteuern in dieser schönen Welt erzählen und das sind die gefährlichen. Was in dieser Welt denkbar ist, ist noch lange keine Realität, aber wenn die Sehnsucht erst einmal geschürt ist, neigt der Mensch dazu, für einen aberwitzigen Traum alles über Bord zu werfen. Nur weil er sein verdammtes eigenes Leben nicht zu schätzen weiß und dem verführerischen Gedanken anheimfällt, tausend Leben leben zu wollen. Doch die Realität dessen, Sigfried, die Realität ist so schrecklich wie schön.

Ich war selbst so ein Idiot, der sich den Kopf unveränderlich verdrehen ließ. Meine Mutter kommt gebürtig aus Cambridge, mein Vater aus Danzig und ich aus einem guten Elternhaus, in dem mir der preußischen Leitmoral gleich die Erfolgsformel fürs Leben eingebläut wurde: Arbeite hart, dann bringst du’s zu was! Ich begann ein Studium des Wirtschaftsingenieurswesen, doch bekam ich, einmal ausgezogen, bald “Das purpurne Land” sowie ausgewählte Werke von Borroughs und Bukowski in die Finger und ich entdeckte so viel Wärme, zwischenmenschliche Wahrheit und Sehnsucht in diesen Seiten, dass sie mich mein ohnehin ödes Studium vergessen ließen. Ich wählte Rotwein und leichte Mädchen als Begleiter denn Vorlesungen und Fachzeitschriften, ich schmiss es letztlich. Vom Studium übrig blieb nur der Leberschaden. Wenn ich jetzt auf der Parkbank, dieser wunderbaren Parkbank zwischen Wismarplatz und Weserstraße sitze und das nächtliche Treiben beobachte, frage ich mich manchmal, wo es jetzt hingeht. Und ich habe keine Ahnung.

Ich glaube an das zeitlose Miteinander, das die Welt erst reich macht, und ich ertrage das Geschwätz der ganzen Windbeutel nicht, die mir sagen, was ich zu tun und zu lassen habe. Ich stecke mein Interesse an der Welt nicht in ihren verlogenen Arsch, also können sie auch meinen zufrieden lassen. Neulich bin ich mit ‘ner Rothaarigen abgestürzt, einer echten Rothaarigen, ich konnte mich überzeugen, und mit ihr drei Tage und Nächte nur mit Wodka durch die Stadt geirrt, um sie kennenzulernen. Wir hatten die Zeit und es war heiß. Sie erzählte mir, sie habe Angst, doch sie könne nicht sagen, wovor. Die verdammte Angst einer gefangenen Generation zwischen Wohlstand und Leistungsdruck, zwischen weisgemachtem Bulimielernen und konstruierten Schönheitsidealen! Sie sagte, es sei vermutlich die einfache Angst, nicht zu wissen, wohin man gehöre, und nicht zu wissen, ob man sich seine Freiheit trauen darf. Ich habe sie nach diesen drei Tagen nie wieder gesehen, vielleicht reist sie mittlerweile zwischen den Hauptstädten hin und her und sucht ihr Glück, vielleicht hat sie sich aber auch aufgehängt, für möglich halte ich beides. Zusammen sind wir in ein Freibad eingeschlichen und auf den Zehnmeterturm geklettert, um die Aussicht zu genießen, das Geld für die Siegessäule war uns zu viel. Rein gedanklich ist es schließlich nicht einfach auszumachen, was man in so einer Nacht alles sehen kann.

Alle Welt redet von dem verdammten Glück, aber Glück ist kein immerwährender Zustand, Glück ist eine Seltenheit in der Vollkommenheit aller relevanten, zufälligen Umstände. Arbeite hart, dann bringst du’s zu was!, Scheiße ja, ich gebe den Preußen oder zumindest meinem Vater Recht. Aber woran du arbeiten sollst, das gilt es zu hinterfragen. Wieso nicht mit ‘nem Tripper, aber glücklich nach Hause kommen, als nie unterwegs gewesen zu sein?

Ich bereue, aber ich bereue nicht viel. Und ihr?

Euer Iggy

Dieser Beitrag wurde unter Ach, Leben!, Alltagsphänomene, Blickwinkel veröffentlicht. Setze ein Lesezeichen auf den Permalink.

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